The Shame Spiral in Motherhood

For me, the biggest myth of motherhood is that I should be able to do it all by myself. The mental load for taking care of a young human is exhausting and often does fall on the mother (if we’re talking about a heterosexual couple, of course). The mental workload is the often unseen work done to keep a household running – this includes meal prep, cleaning, laundry, bill paying, keeping up with doctors appointments, social calendars, organizing childcare, and figuring out and establishing systems for teaching baby to sleep, eat, and reach milestones etc.

This myth that we should be able to do it all by ourselves is a trap that keeps us feeling alone, overwhelmed and feeling shame that we are not enough for our children or our family. And shame is a feeling many of us keep hidden and secret.

I want to note, there is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is the feeling of “I did a bad thing.” Shame is the feeling that “I am bad”. Guilt is a signal emotion (like a warning sign) to do something different. Shame is much more pervasive and penetrating for our identity.

Shame Spiral

Once we’re feeling shame, we become vulnerable to the shame spiral. The shame spiral happens when we make poor choices based on the shame we feel, which then leads to feeling more shame, worthlessness, not being enough, and/or poor attachment.

For example, I cannot keep track of the mental load like other moms can > I’m not a good mom. > I can’t have our friends over to witness the mess of a person I have become > Now I feel isolated and nobody understands how much I’m struggling…

What keeps us stuck?

Here is a list of some choices that keep us stuck in the shame spiral:

·        Isolating

·        Substance use (especially in excess)

·        Avoidance

·        Perfectionism

·        Lying or hiding our struggle

·        Not treating anxiety, panic or depression

·        Untreated trauma or attachment wounds

How do we get out of the Shame Spiral?

Getting out of a shame spiral can take time, there are no quick fixes. Expect plenty of reflection and challenging emotions to get a clear understanding of the role shame plays in your life. A therapist can be a good ally in supporting you through this understanding.

First, we identify what is going on:

·        Are you feeling mom guilt, shame, a little of both?

·        What exactly does that self talk sound like?

·        What are your patterns that keep you feeling guilty or shameful?

Second, we challenge the core beliefs, feelings and patterns that keep you in the spiral. We identify different choices you can make, and try them out.

Ready to get out of your Shame Spiral?

Are you ready begin the deeper work understanding how your feelings and patterns impact your role as a parent? Reach out! And schedule a free phone consultation. I look forward to hearing from you!