Feeling Alone and Postpartum? Understanding Postpartum Isolation

Many postpartum parents report feeling isolated and alone in their experience. Feeling isolated is a symptom of depression. There are multiple contributing factors to Postpartum Isolation and also somethings that you can do to connect with others and feel less alone.

Contributing Factors to Feeling Alone and Postpartum Isolation

The Myth of Motherhood – I can and should be able to do it by myself.

I know I bought into this myth – I should be able to do it by myself. I felt like asking for help was admitting weakness. Believing in this myth meant I was taking on motherhood solo, no matter the cost or the sacrifice. Humans are social beings. Letting others help gives you space to take care of yourself and connect with others.

Timing

There are literal time constraints with parenting a young one. Nap times are a timer for any parent looking to adventure out, and the smaller the baby the smaller that window of time. Or perhaps you only have childcare for a few hours a week – those hours go by fast. Many stay at home parents feel isolated from their peers that work because they can only meet outside of weekday 9-5 hours. And working parents have more limited time with their kids because they’re working during the day; so they may not be so willing to socialize during the precious time available. Whatever the situation, timing can be a real barrier to making time to connect with others.

Fear of Judgment

If you are currently parenting a young child, you are bombarded with polarizing views of motherhood. People judge for how you’re feeding baby (bottle, breast, pumping, organic, baby lead weaning, purees…too many options!), how you’re getting baby to sleep (cosleeping, crib sleeping, sleep training, crying it out, not sleeping at all), how you’re spending your time (are you working, working from home, or a stay at home parent), are you vaccinating, etc. And if you’re struggling with birth trauma, postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety, the fear of judgment can be amplified.

Entering a mom and baby friendly space should feel supportive, but if you’re worried about being judged, it can be a big challenge to reach out and be vulnerable.  

Shifting Priorities

Another barrier to connection is that maybe you don’t see eye to eye with your old friends anymore. When we become a parent, priorities shift. Schedules do not align, activities do not align, and conversation topics do not align. Misunderstanding can blossom and grow. Sometimes we grow with our friends, sometimes one party outgrows the other, and sometimes we grow in different directions.

What to do about Postpartum Isolation

Good thing is, there is a cure to isolation! And the answer is reach out and connect with others. Seek healthy supports that see and hear you for who you are and what you’re experiencing.

Connecting with Old Friends

To connect with old friends, know that it may take more effort on both parties. Your friend will need to accommodate your limitations with having a baby or young kid with you. And you will need to communicate with your friend around what accommodations you specifically need. Accommodations could include timing/time of day, activities, and locations. Be clear and assertive about what you’re needing to make a successful hang. Express gratitude and connection when accommodations are made.

Making New Friends

Having a postpartum or motherhood community can be incredibly healing and validating! This is tough stuff, having someone else who is in this experience too will serve as a mirror, a supporter, and a confidant. If you’re unsure where to connect with others, I encourage you to find a local postpartum support group, join a virtual support group with PSI, join a mommy and me class, connect with other parents at your child’s day care, or strike up a conversation with another parent at the playground.

When Postpartum Isolation Feels Too Heavy

If you’re noticing that the isolation feels too heavy, or that despite your best efforts you still feel alone, you may be struggling with something more clinically significant that requires a professional counselor.

Sometimes if we’re in an unsafe relationship, reaching out to others feels risky and unsafe as well. Please call the Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233) or visit their website for more information.