Working-Mom Guilt

To work or not to work is one of the more polarizing topics of motherhood. It is a topic that comes with nuance, expectations, judgment and of course guilt. Let's unpack some of the layers at play that contribute to moms feeling guilty around returning to work.

What is working mom guilt?

Guilt is a signal emotion that we are doing something wrong or in conflict with our values. Shame is we are bad, guilt is we are doing a bad thing.

Working mom guilt is when a mom feels guilty for returning to work, as if they are doing a bad thing.

Stop “Should-ing” On Me!

Many of us working moms feel guilty for working because we have this idea of what we should be doing. And this can be in conflict with what is actually happening and available to us. For example: I should be 100% present when I’m home with my kids. I should breastfeed until my baby is a year old. I should be making these muffins from scratch.

Every time I hear the word should in an argument (internal or external), my ears perk up and I get curious. I want to know: Where is this messaging around should come from? How reliable is this source? What kind of pressure is should putting on you? The word “Should” is inherently judgmental … is it serving you or making you feel more guilty?

Needs versus Wants

Sometimes, the internal conflict comes around when the need to work conflicts with the wants of parenthood or lifestyle. A skewed work/life balance is sometimes tolerable until a baby comes along. Now 12 hour days feel exhausting and like you’re missing out on your kids’ childhood. Traveling for work can be heartbreaking and lead you to feeling disconnected to the family system.

Get curious about what you really want your work/life balance to feel like. Put numbers to how many hours you want to work and parent per week - just to give yourself a guide for what you are working towards. And then assess, do your wants actually align with what your family system needs financially?

I can’t do it all!

Role strain is when we’re doing too much for too many people and the many roles we play in life are strained. Role strain feels overwhelming, and if we’re doing too much, we’re probably not doing  what we’re responsible for very well. And if you are an overachiever, pleaser, or caregiver, the resulting feeling is guilt.

Give yourself grace. Nobody expects you to be perfect 100% of the time. Complete an audit; look at all your responsibilities and see if there is anything you can put on the back burner or drop for the time being. Identify what is most important, and put your energy towards that.

Nobody Can Love My Child Like I Do

Sometimes the guilt stems from letting outsiders watch our kids for us. And it is true that nobody loves and cares for your child like you. In this instance, we find childcare that is safe and trustworthy. We ask friends and family who they use, we look for daycares that have really good ratings from the state, we vet, ask follow up questions, and look for evidence that our child is loved and supported when you are away. One of the many myths of motherhood is that we are supposed to do this alone.

This part gets better the more your child can communicate with you, the more independent they become, and as the childcare provider builds trust. Nobody loves your kid like you do, but there are some loving and inspiring childcare options that can be a close second.

What to do about it!

Time to figure out what your guilt is telling you. Let’s narrow down your guilt and internal conflict: are you “should-ing” on yourself? Do you want more time away or with your kids? Do you feel guilt due to role strain? Or are you feeling guilty that it’s not you watching your kids?

Identify what out of alignment. Then identify what changes you can make with this info.

We do not have much power to change the larger system – if you’re reading this, you probably feel deeply under supported by our government, your employer, your community, or family system. Motherhood was never meant to be done alone. AND we can make choices within the system to better shape our experience. You do have rights around getting breaks and privacy to pump, or to advocate to work remotely.

Talk to coworkers or other working moms in your industry, gather their wisdom of how they’re making it happen. Identify boundaries you can put in place with work around travel or capping your workday at 8 hours. When advocating, identify your ask, know your rights, and schedule and appointment with Human Resources.